Ship shape shorts
by Archemedies
Summary: *TAKING PROMPTS* A series of one-shots, each centered around a pairing. Prompts are accepted, just provide a pairing, and a situation for the one-shot, and I'll get on it as soon as possible. Just drop them in the reviews or a PM, and I'll do it.
1. Cat and mouse

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archemedies here, proudly pronouncing myself as complete Homestuck filth. Yep, I am now trash. But I'm happy with it, so nyah. And I decided to start writing for it, because I'm boring and have no social life. So yeah. This'll mainly be one shots centered around a certain ship for each chapter. So, if you have a certain ship you want to see in a certain situation, or a prompt for a one shot, sling it in the reviews or in a PM, and I'll get it done as soon as possible. Any ships are accepted, but it would be better if you could give a situation for them. Or not, I just want prompts mainly. So yeah, enjoy, favorite and follow if you want, review if you have an idea, and as always, stay Jammy.**

Story 1: Cat and Mouse

"Fuck me! Shit!"

Karkat slammed his hands to the keyboard, and slumped back in his chair, glaring at the screen with tired eyes. He snatched the clock off his desk, and peered at it, wondering how long he'd been up. The glowing letters swam into focus, revealing it to be close to three o' clock in the morning. Fuck.

He rubbed at his face, trying to dispell the headache he could feel pounding through his skull, with out much success. He looked up, and tried to diagnose the error affecting his code. Preliminary analysis? It was completely fucked. Like, catholic priest in an all boys swimming competition fucked. Wait, what the fuck was that metaphor? Know what, forget it. It was hard enough picking apart a computer system, without trying to simultaneously sift through his mind and its menagarie of politically incorrect imagery. He was attempting to create a code that would...Do something. Not even something, it just had to do anything. It was meant to run, and in the process print out the name of the operator, provided earlier on in the process. But that was far easier said then done in this insufferable operating system.

He was using the standard troll coding language, :ATH. It was an incredibly complex and obtuse language that operated on a system of infinitely repeating loops, linked to the lifespan of an object or creature specified by the coder. Which made it incredibly difficult to perform simple tasks, such as accept an input and read it out. In order to perform such tasks, you had to manipulate the system in order to turn its own processes against it. His friend/killjoy Sollux was near godly when it came to the system, writing complex programs that seemed completely impossible to the uninitiated. Karkat was nowhere near that level, and :ATH just didn't seem to bend in the ways it was meant to, leading him to the series of syntax errors that had been spiking his blood pressure all night. He gave a heavy sigh, and closed the program. He'd finish it at a later date, because he really couldn't deal with it's mindnumbing complexities any longer.

He stood up from the computer, knees clicking and back cracking as he straightened, stiff from having sat still so long. He pushed his chair back, and paced around his room, seeking to get some feeling back into his legs. He looked down at his recupercoon (Or bed, if you want to think of it like that) And debated with himself on whether or not it would be worth climbing in. He shook his head, and turned away. He wouldn't sleep tonight, he could already tell. There was still too much anger, hate and general piss swimming around in his veins for that. He stomped away from his bed, and threw himself back down into his chair, pulling up his trollian messaging tab. His fingers tapped against the desk, as he wondered whether or not it was fine to message her. His eyes were fixed on the name _arsenicCatnip_ , blinking in the corner of his screen. She was shown as online, so she was there to talk to. Ah, fuck it.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) began Trolling arsenicCatnip (AC)

CG: HELLO?  
AC: :33 *ac lifts her head from the ground, to stare at Karkat*  
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING  
AC: :33 *ac frowns at Karkat, and her ears flatten*  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: FINE. I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO ARGUE  
CG: *CG LEANS DOWN AND STROKES AC BEHIND THE EARS, HOPING AFTER THAT THEY CAN TALK LIKE ADULTS, INSTEAD OF AUTISTIC WRIGGLERS*  
AC: :33 awww.  
CG: WHAT? WHAT IS AWW ABUT THIS SITUATION?  
AC: :33 you're angry  
CG: EXACTLY  
CG: WHY IS THAT AWWW  
CG: IT SHOULD BE GRRRR OR RAWWR  
CG: OR ANYTHING OTHER THEN AWWW  
AC: :33 c'moooon  
AC: :33 it's adorable  
CG: I'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE  
CG: NOT ADORABLE  
CG: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY  
CG: THAT IS WHAT I AM  
AC: :33 ?  
AC: :33 i get the feeling theres a story behind that  
AC: :33 but i dont really want to sit and listen to you grumble your way through it  
AC: :33 ill just take your word on it  
AC: :33 mr "adorabloodthirsty"  
CG: I'M REGRETTING THIS ALREADY  
CG: FORGET I MENTIONED IT  
AC: :33 nope  
AC: :33 I couldnt...  
CG: I SWEAR TO FUCKING JESUS IF YOU MAKE A CAT PUN  
AC: :33 pawsibly forget it X33  
CG: FUCK SAKE

Karkat slapped a palm to his forehead, trying his absolute hardest to stay angry. But he really couldn't. He was trying, honestly, but no matter how hard he wanted to stay mad, or how angry he was when the conversation started, he always ended up with the stupidest, shit eating grin on his face. And today was no exception, as he smiled into his monitor.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT?  
CG: I AM NOT EVEN MAD ANYMORE  
AC: :33 wat? were you mad?  
AC: :33 like, madder then usual?  
CG: YES  
CG: I WAS FUCKING INFURIATED  
CG: MY RAGE WOULD CURDLE THE FUCKING MILK YOU ARE PROBABLY LICKING OUT OF A BOWL AS YOU TYPE  
AC: :33 awww  
AC: :33 dont do that, i dont like curds  
CG: WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO NOW. I'M NOT FURIOUS ENOUGH FOR THAT.  
CG: SADLY  
CG: I COULD STILL FLIP THAT SWITCH THOUGH  
CG: IF THIS FUCKING PROGRAM DOESN'T END MY LIFE BEFORE I CAN BE BOTHERED TO  
AC: :33 are you coding again? you know thats not good for your mood  
AC: :33 or blood pressure  
AC: :33 is good for me though X33  
CG: WHAT? HOW?  
AC: :33 i get to deal with you  
AC: :33 and that is...  
CG: NEPETA DON'T YOU DARE  
AC: :33 pawsitively purrfect X33  
CG: NOT EVEN ONCE  
CG: NO. YOU HAD TO DO IT TWICE

He couldn't help but laugh though. As much as he insisted her puns annoyed him, they were good. They never failed to raise his mood. And speaking of raise, he turned to see the sun just peaking over the horizon, it's rays burning across the arid landscape.

AC: :33 admit it, you laughed  
CG: I REFUSE TO COMMENT.  
AC: :33 so you did?  
CG: NO COMMENT.  
AC: :33 you laughed  
CG: NOPE  
AC: :33 yes  
CG: NOPE  
AC: :33 yes  
CG: NOPE  
AC: :33 nope  
CG: YES  
CG: SHIT  
CG: FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK  
AC: :33 hehehe  
CG: WAIT  
CG: WHAT  
AC: :33 what?  
CG: YOU ENJOY TALKING TO ME?  
AC: :33 what?  
CG: JUST NOW. A FEW LINES AGO. YOU SAID TALKING TO ME WAS:  
CG: "pawsitively purrfect"  
CG: FUCK I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST TYPED THAT  
CG: EVEN AS A QUOTE  
CG: HELLO?  
CG: WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED ANSWERING?  
AC: :33 nothing, just my lusus wanted me.  
CG: OH, OKAY. WHAT DID IT WANT? BELLY RUBS?  
AC: :33 yeah  
AC: :33 belly rubs  
AC: :33 hey, the suns up, you should probably get to your cocoon. you know, to sleep  
CG: OK?  
CG: YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?  
CG: HAVE YOU FINALLY CAUGHT RABIES FROM ALL THOSE FUCKING ANIMALS YOU CHEW ON?  
AC: no, im fine, honest.  
CG: WELL, OK THEN.  
CG: BYE?  
CG: TRY NOT TO DIE WHILE I'M GONE.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) ceased Trolling arsenicCatnip (AC)

Karkat frowned at his computer, before shutting it down and standing. He was worried, he really was. There was obviously something wrong with Nepeta. And he had an idea of what it was. And he wasn't sure how he felt about it.

Nepeta, meanwhile, was wrenching her fluffy hat from her head, and stuffing it into her mouth, chewing away at it in immense frustration. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it! She would have sworn, long and hard, if she was that kind of person, but she wasn't really. Instead, she compensated by continuing to gnash at her hat, and kicking her legs in a rather juvenile tantrum.

"Nooooooooo"

She'd done it now. She really had. Damn.

She stood from where she'd been leaning against her lusus, and jammed her hat back on her head. She'd pulled a complete blunder. What was she thinking? Talking to him was "pawsitively purrfect"? He was sure to figure it out. And then, when he actually questioned it, she'd frozen up, and just sat at her laptop, having a miniature panic attack until she finally got her act together. And now he probably thought she was weird. Well, weirder. She just had to mess it up...

She stood, and stomped over to her "shipping wall" her beloved pairings branched across the stone. And in the center, the holy grail, the rosetta stone of her cravings.

A picture of Karkat and Nepeta, a crudely drawn heart circling them. And beneath the picture, the phrase:

OTP.

Oh well. It wasn't likely to happen anyway. Ruining it wasn't that bad, when it wasn't going to happen in the first place. Oh well.

Karkat, meanwhile, was standing by his bed, debating a new course of action that had come to him. She was nice, and not bad looking, certainly, and...Well, she was the counter point to his admittedly toxic personality. Never failed to make him smile, when in all honesty he'd rather frown. Shit. Alright, he'd do it. Ok.

He went over to the computer, and sat down again. He placed his hands over the keyboard, and he typed.

Nepeta was banging her head gently against her wall and trying her best not to cry when her computer beeped for her attention. She plodded over to her laptop, and dropped to the floor, sitting against her lusus as it lay on the floor.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) began Trolling arsenicCatnip (AC)

CG: 3

carcinoGeneticist (CG) ceased trolling arsenicCatnip (AC)

Karkat shut off his computer, and leant back into his chair, blowing out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. Alright. Yes. And he promptly slumped asleep in his chair, as Nepeta buried her head in her lusus' fur and squealled into it's side, long into the night.


	2. Boy's night

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here with the next one-shot, this one suggested by fairytailasaurus, I highly suggest you go check her out if you haven't already, as she writes well for a variety of fandoms. I hope I did your request justice. And, to my other reviewer, Nanami, I will get on your request, but at the pint in homestuck I'm at, I've only just been introduced to Roxy, as I am nowhere near up to date. I'd rather read some more to get a better handle on her character, so that I can give you a good chapter, then work of what little I know and write a fairly shit one. Anyway, if you enjoy the story, make sure to favorite and follow, and make sure if you have and idea for a one-shot, and a certain pairing you want it written for, drop it in a review or a PM and I'll get on it as soon as possible. And now without further ado, enjoy the chapter, and, as always, stay Jammy.**

Story 2: Boy's night.

GAME OVER

John grunted in disgust and threw his controller down, before cringing lamely at the noise. Goddammint. He needed to start remembering, he lived alone now, he could make as much noise as he wanted. That simple fact didn't stop him from thinking his dad was going to bust down his door and shout his ear off. He shook his head, and snatched up the controller, putting it down on his sofa before standing and peering at the clock over his T.V. It showed eight o'clock. John strode into his bathroom and checked his outfit in the mirror. Blue jeans, his ecto-biology shirt and a pair of battered trainers. Nothing special, but not scruffy either. He went back into the living room, and waited. And waited, and waited...And five minutes past eight, the doorbell to his apartment rang. John took a deep breath, and walked across, pulling open the door, to find Dave slouching outside, one hand stuffed in his pocket, the other holding a plastic carrier bag, full of bottels.

"Sup?" He nodded slightly, smirking. John grinned back at him, crossing his arms.

"And once again, just that tiny bit behind schedule? Is "constantly late" part of the job description?"

Dave grinned back, and stepped into the doorway, leaning casually against the frame, John stepping back to make space.

"Hey. I'm fashionably late, alright? Like, by design, not accident"

"Obviously" John rolled his eyes, before giving Dave a once over. He was dressed in his trademark brand of smart-casual. Black trousers, his record t-shirt, and a red and black chequered button up shirt, open over the top of that. He topped it all off with a pair of converse and his "ironic" shades. John had never seen him without them.

"You done staring yet? C'mon, I'm freezing out here! Or is this your ploy? Let me die of frostbite, and steal all my booze? You genius!"

John giggled, and stepped back further to let Dave into his apartment. He crossed the threshold, placed the bag on the ground, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

"Then again, why else would I love you? You're not much to look at"

John frowned playfully, wriggled out of Dave's arms.

"Oh, alright then. So I'm not beautiful?"

"Nope"

John gave a hmph, and turned away, strutting into the living room with all the grace of an angry peacock.

"Ah, c'mon John, you know I'm kidding!"

John plonked himself down on the sofa, and snatched up his controller.

"Oh! So that was a joke?"

Dave grabbed the bottles, shut the front door and followed him, before laying throwing himself down on the couch, leaning his head on John's shoulder.

"Yes John, a joke"

John grunted.

"Soooo?"

"You're a very pretty lady John"

The combination of absurd wording and deadpan delivery broke his thin layer of annoyance, and he slapped a hand to his forehead, snorting unattractively.

"Goddamnit Dave. Let me stay mad!"

Dave smirked, and dropped his head into John's lap, staring up into his eyes.

"What kind of boyfriend would I be if I did?" They stayed like that for a few more seconds, Dave pin-point focused on the subtle lights playing across John's eyes, while John was presented with a pair of pure black lenses.

Hmm. I wonder.

John's hand had just grabbed the glasses when Dave stopped him. John felt his boyfriends entire body tense.

"Woah. John. What do you think you're doing?"

They could both feel the sudden shift in tone.

"Just..."

"Just...?"

"Well, I just wanted to see your eyes?"

John frowned down at him, unsure why Dave was being so weird about it.

"Well, maybe you could have asked?"

Dave was frowning now. And he looked strangely pissed.

"Well, why? What's so weird about your eyes?"

"Everything about them!"

"What? They're eyes! They can't be that bad-" John reached down with his other hand, but Dave grabbed his wrist, hard.

"John, just drop it, alright?"

"Hey! Let go! C'mon Dave, quit being weird-"

Dave sat up, pulling his head from John's lap, and sat upright.

"I'm not being weird alright! What about you? Why'd you want to see my eyes so bad all of a sudden?"

John pulled back his hands, and thought for a second. It had really been a spur of the moment impulse.

"Well...I dunno? I was just curious?"

It sounded weak, even to John.

Dave gave an angry snort, and turned away, staring at the screen. They sat in silence, each of them stewing in their own private worlds, until John broke the silence.

"It's just...I don't know about you. I can't tell what you're thinking when your eyes are, like, locked away behind those shades. Like, they say your eyes are windows into your soul...And I feel like that's what we should see, you know? Like...It makes me feel childish, sitting here, wondering what you're thinking, the feelings you're going through. And it scares me. Like, you could be all torn up inside, and I'd never even know, I couldn't even help..."

Dave turned to John.

"Oh shit, are you crying?" And he was. Tears were rolling down his face, and dripping from his chin on to the couch. "Shit..." When he thought of it like that...

"Fuck, I'm an asshole"

John looked across.

"What?"

"Fuck. Fuck! Shit...I'm sorry John...I fucked this up royally, didn't I?"

"Huh?"

"I should have just talked to you about this...Look, I'm not...Just look, alright?"

Dave reached up, and pulled the glasses from his face. John's eyes widened.

"Oh my god..."

"Yeah. That was the reaction I was-"

"They're so beautiful"

"Expecting- Wait what?"

"They're beautiful"

When Dave had pulled the glases from his face, he'd revealed a pair of piercing red eyes, deep crimson in colour. They shone so bright, that for the moment, they were all John could see.

He placed a hand on the side of Dave's face, and pulled him closer, grinning through his tears.

"This is what you where hiding? Afraid you dazzle me to death?"

Dave was still woefully confused.

"What? You...Like them? I'm not a freak or anything?"

"Of course not, you asshat. I'd never stop loving you over something like this..."

Dave sat stunned for a moment, before he developed his own, face splitting smile.

"Oh...Oh my god...Oh fuck, now I'm crying..." John wiped a tear from Dave's cheek with his thumb.

"Don't worry about it...We both look pretty stupid right now..."

Dave pressed his forehead to John's, and and they sat there together on the couch in silence, together and perfect. Until John started laughing. Dave pulled back, and grinned at him.

"What?"

John gave him a crooked smile, struggling to talk through his giggling.

"I used up all of my tricks...I hope that you like this..."

Dave's eyes widened.

"John..."

"But you probably won't think you're cooler than me..."

Dave started laughing too.

"John, don't you dare..."

John leaned back, and raised his voice to a shout.

"You got designer shades, just to hide your face!"

Dave could barely breathe.

"John no..."

John raised an eyebrow. "Next line? All together now?"

They both came together in a crushing embrace, and sung out loud:

"And you wear them around like you're cooler than me!"

They both collapsed, laughing and snorting on the sofa, and promptly fell asleep in each other's arms. And the last thing John saw, were a pair of glowing red eyes. And his last thought?

God, he's beautiful.


	3. The Grid Never Lies

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here with the third chapter of Ship Shape Shorts. This short is based around DavexJade, as I've had a couple of people request something fluffy between them, by the names of: Camelote, and a bunch of bullshit letters I can't be bothered to type. Hopefully this will serve that purpose. Now this is done, It's the EquiusxAradia up next, I've already started on it, so it should be up soon. In the meantime, make sure to favorite and follow the story if you want more, and certainly, if you have an idea for a one-shot, and a pairing for that one-shot, make sure to throw it down in the review, and I'll get it done, so make sure to send it. And now that that's out the way, enjoy, and as always, stay Jammy.**

Story 3: The grid never lies.

"I just want to thank you again, for coming all the way out here" Jane looked up from the bed of flowers, and grinned at Dave.

"You say that like I swam all the way out here. All I did was step on that weird ass teleporter" Dave smirked at her, and gestured to the potted plant he was holding with both his arms. "Well? Where we going to dump this?"

Jade stood, and wiped her hands on her apron, standing there with her hands on her hips for a second. She was thankful for the thin leather apron that stopped her from getting absolutely filthy. Her clothes weren't much, but she'd tried to clean up a little, what with having Dave 'round and all. Just a knitted sweater, plain black T-shirt, some jeans, and a comfy pair of boots, with her battered apron over it all.

"Well, It's still nice. I'd have asked John, but he's off watching Con Air for the billionth time, and Rose is on some weird counselling session with her mom..."

Dave shook his head.

"They sure as hell needed it. Those two have a weird relationship. Some passive aggressive dual of the ages shit"

Jade giggled. "Not quite how I'd have worded it, but I agree with the idea. So yeah, just...Thanks. And I'm going to want that over in the empty bed, I want to start a new one"

Dave nodded, and hefted the plant, a beautiful bunch of posies. He staggered over to the bed, and Jade watched in worry.

"Are you sure you've got that?"

Dave smiled over his shoulder, and placed the pot down on the ground, ever so gently.

"As if I didn't"

Jade let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Dave straightened up and turned to her, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Jade went over to him, and crossed her arms.

"You need to be careful"

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna mess up your prize petunias" He shrugged.

"I'm not worried about my _posies_ , I'm worried about you dropping them on your foot and breaking a toe or three" Dave rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at the ground.

"Oh. Right. Well, the concern is touching, but. You know. I'm not clumsy"

Jade shook her head, and couldn't help but give him the once over. He was practically posed! His blonde hair fluttered in the wind coming through the green house, and his fringe stopped just short of his glasses. He was still wearing his "Ironic" shades. He'd paired them with a red T-shirt emblazoned with a turning gear, and over it a leather jacket with a bunch of badges advertising bands Jade had never heard of. He finished off the whole ensemble with a pair of black skinny jeans and some red and white trainers. All in all, not shabby. Not by a long shot.

"You gonna start with the "posies", or did you make me lug them all the way over here just so you could check me out?"

Jade flushed, realizing how long she'd been staring.

"Well, yeah. Just wanted to...Make sure your outfit was up to scratch"

Dave raised an eyebrow so high it popped out from behind his oversized glasses.

"Um, excuse me, but when have I ever worn anything but the flyest of threads? The coolest of coverings? The sickest of shirts-"

"OK! Alright? I was completely wrong to ever doubt your taste in clothing, your jackets lovely, the end?" Jade said all this with a laugh, and bent to start digging the posies out of the pot. Dave on the other hand, was weirdly silent. For some time. After a minute of fiddling with the flowers, Dave spoke up.

"You like the jacket?"

Jade prepared a retort as she looked up at him, but quickly saw he was being serious. Dave was shifting his feet, kicking up small stones from the gravel, and rubbing the corner of the jacket with one hand.

"Well...Yeah. It's cool! Really suits you too"

In the strange silence that followed, she sat down to start on digging the holes for the flowers. After a few seconds, he joined her and picked up a trowel, helping with the digging. A minute passed. And then another. And then another. And just as she as about to move the flowers, he spoke up.

"This was my bro's you know"

She jerked her head in surprise, somewhat confused. "Huh?"

"This jacket. It was my brothers"

"Oh. And it's yours now?"

Dave smiled wide. "Yeah. He gave it to me the first and only time I ever hit him"

Jade's eyes widened. "What! Why? Why'd you hit him-Oh. Wait. You and your brother always have those awesome duels, don't you?"

Dave nodded, and hefted the trowl. "Yeah. We grab our swords, blunted ones obviously, and we have at it on the roof of our apartment complex"

Jade nodded, having heard of his frequent battles, mainly through his own somewhat bombastic recountings. They often involved phrases such as "Delirious biznasty" and "Ultimate puppet dick jutsu", among others.

"So...Are you, like, evenly matched?"

Dave snorted. "Hell no. He hands me my ass on a diamond entrusted platter, and half the time he uses a fucking puppet to do it"

Jade winced. "Oh yeah, Lil Cal. That thing still sounds creepy as anything, no matter how hard you insist it's cool"

Dave shrugged. "Well, whatever. But back on track, yeah. We'd duel often, and he never failed to push my shit in so far I choked on it-"

"Ew!"

"Shoosh. Yeah, he and Lil Cal were my opponents, sometimes individually, sometimes together. I could beat Cal about half the time, but I never stood a chance against bro. Or, I though I didn't. But one day, I managed to catch him off guard"

"Wow!"

"Yeah. I brought a second sword with me, and halfway through the fight, I ejected it out my syllabus and I managed to nail Lil Cal to a wall. Got him straight through his fluffy puppet innards. And while Bro was distracted, I smacked him a wicked blow, straight to his temple. Come to think of it, he was probably just as shocked as I was. I hit him hard enough he dropped to one knee, and I busted a cut right above his eyebrow, it was dripping blood everywhere. I dropped my sword right away. Started apologising and shit, thinking I'd really hurt him"

Jade was quite simply awestruck by the story. "Well...Did you? Was he alright?"

Dave was shaking his head, grinning.

"Nah. To be honest, I could have broken my sword over his thick skull, and he wouldn't have given a shit. I know that now. I didn't back then though. And that's why I was absolutely shitting it. I walked right up to him, and I stretched out my hand...And he took it, and stood. Just stared at me a few seconds. And then, he just shrugged off his jacket, passed it to me, grabbed Cal, and flew off into the sky on his fucking rocket board"

Jade couldn't help but giggle at the absurd image.

"And that was it?"

"Yep, basically. That's the story of how I got this jacket. Totally worth it. Even though he kicked seven shades of shit out of me our next fight, still worth it"

Jade laid down the trowel, and Dave did the same. The flowers were planted, and that job was done.

"Oh shit, the sun's going down"

He was right. It was. They'd spent the entire afternoon mucking around in the garden. Jade stood, wiping off her hands.

"Oh no. Well, you should probably head home then?"

"Yeah. My brother tends to jump me from the shadows if I come back after dark" She offered a hand, and he took it, his grip surprisingly gentle.

She pulled him to his feet. And they stood there like that, hand in hand, for a few seconds too long. He gave her a lopsided grin, but didn't pull his hand away. Jade blushed and released her walked to the transportilizer, comfortably silent the entire time. Until they finally reached it, and Dave walked over to stand in front of it.

"So..."

"So?"

"No kiss goodbye?"

Dave grinned at her, and Jade very nearly died then and there, before she realized it was a joke.

"Hah. Ha. Ha..."

She grabbed him by the collar, rammed her lips against his, and pushed him into the transportilizer.

The last thing she saw before he disappeared was his shocked face, smiling wide, glasses knocked askew by the impact . He raised his hand and waved goodbye, before vanishing into thin air.

Jade stood in front of the transportilizer for a good few minutes, panting heavily. Oh dear. Oh no. Oh fuck...

Oh, to hell with it. She'd deal with it in the morning.


	4. Bus Stop Blues

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archemedies here with the next one shot, this one suggested by Veratis, coming in with an Equius Aradia short. I hope I did your request justice, but I'm not really sure about writing for Equius as a character. I hope I still managed to reach your expectations. The short up next is a particularly angsty one, so be warned. But following that is going to be some light, fluffy, comic relief crack pairing, so be sure to stick around for that. But, with all that out of the way, I should take this time to say that if you, yes,** _ **you,**_ **have an idea for a one shot, and a pairing for said oneshot, make sure to drop it in the reviews, and I** _ **will**_ **get it done. It may take just a little while though, so stay patient. Other then that, make sure to follow and favorite if you want to, it's super motivating. But, fav whoring over, make sure to enjoy, and as always, stay Jammy.**

Story 3: Bus stop blues.

Equius looked up into the sky as the first drop of ran splattered against his head. The slate gray sky had been throwing down showers all day. And of course, it couldn't wait until he was on the bus, or safely back in his house. It just had to break while he was standing around outside the bus stop, waiting for his ride home. Absolutely infuriating. It was unbecoming of a man of his stature to be standing around in the rain. He very promptly solved that problem by going inside the bus stop, and sitting down on the rather low quality bench. Protected from the rain, he pulled his phone from his pocket, and began texting, muttering under his breath as he typed.

centaursTesticle (CT) began Trolling arsenicCatnip (AC)

CT: D- Are you at home yet?  
AC: :33 yeah. just before it started raining too X33  
CT: D- Hmm. Fortunate. I'm still waiting for the bus.  
AC: :33 unlucky  
CT: D- Quite.

Equius stuffed his phone back in his blazer pocket, glaring out of the bus stop, into the pouring rain. The weather had been tempermental all day, with short bursts of rain all through their lessons. Luckily it had stopped before P.E, but the incesscent showers had muddied the field to the point it made rugby, normally one of his favorite sports, near hell to play. The team spent less time scoring tri's then scrambling to stay on their feet on the slushy ground. Their performance had been less then satisfactory, and Equius had left the sports field soaked, muddied, and utterly infuriated. Luckily, Nepeta had been there, almost immediately when she had come back from gymnastics, her sport of choice. She had always excelled at it with her cat like balance and somewhat awe inspiring flexibility. And she put those skills to work upon seeing his less than stellar, mood, performing an entirely unnessecary hand spring and landing beside him, with a "Tada!" and enthusiastic jazz hands. And though he'd grumbled and mumbled about her making a scene, it really was a boost to his mood. And she knew that all too well.

He leant back against the glass wall of the bus shelter, and thought back to first day they'd met. It had been all the way back in lower school. He'd been sitting there, eating lunch all alone. The other children were all far too scared of his ridiculous size and muscles to even think of coming near him. And the reason she'd approached him, he'd always said, was because she didn't think. He'd been chewing silently, when she'd flopped down into the seat across from him, and just started staring. She'd sat there with her chin on her hand for several minutes, until Equius finally decided to talk to her.

"Erm...Hello?"

"Hiya!"

The cheer in her voice was quite the bafflement to Equius. She lapsed back into silence after that, so he took it upon himself to continue the conversation.

"So...Why are you here?"

Drat. That had come out entirely wrong. The girl didn't seem fazed by his blunt question though. She began to fiddle with the blue, cat shaped hat atop her head.

"Oh, I just though you looked lonely!"

"...So?"

"So! You need to stop being lonely, duh! So I came over to keep you company!"

Equius was very confused. "Oh. Well. Thank you..."

And from that point on , she hadn't left his side. Through lower, middle, and now well into upper school she'd clung onto him like a particularly happy barnacle. They'd had their fair share of rough spots, when he'd get angry and say something that upset her, or when she'd fail to understand when he just needed to be alone.

But they always managed to come back together. Together in a strictly platonic way of course. That was a mistake many made, thinking they were "Together together" rather than "Together". The two were always quick to correct them, and often if it was Equius who did it, they weren't in a hurry to make that same mistake.

He gave a little grin, and looked left, wondering when his bus was going to come. He turned to the right, and was greeted by a most wonderous sight.

A beautiful girl, dressed in a school uniform unfamiliar to him, was striding towards him. Long, dark brown hair curled its way down her back, and hung wetly over her face as she rummaged through a satchel bag hung over her shoulder. She pulled a packet of cigarettes from it, and stood up straight, brushing her hair out the way to reveal a pale, regal face, and whiskey brown eyes that seemed to shine bright, even in the midst of the rain. She hurried under the small amount of shelter provided by the bus stop, and light her cigarette with a engraved zippo.

 _"Oh christ I'm sweating"_

Equius averted his eyes as she turned to him, hoping she wouldn't see how much trouble he was having holding himself together. Maybe, if he didn't look at her, she wouldn't talk to him, and he might actually come out of this with his dignity intact-

"Excuse me?"

Equius jerked his head up embarrassingly fast, locking eyes with her as she breathed out a long puff of smoke.

"Y-Yeah?" Darn it. This was entirely unlike him.

"Do you mind if I sit there?" She gestured to the space next to him with her free hand.

"Mmm, yes. Well, no. As in, I don't mind. Yeah"

She smiled at him, setting his heart fluttering, and sat down next to him, puffing away.

They both sat in silence, until Equius pulled his phone from his pocket.

centaursTesticle (CT) began Trolling arsenicCatnip (AC)

CT: D- Nepeta, help me.  
AC: :33 why? whats wrong?  
CT: D- Because, it started raining, and now I'm stuck waiting for the bus, and this bench is absolutely tiny, and there is a very attractive lady sitting next to me-

Equius was broken from his text based rant when he realized the girl next to him was giggling. Quite loudly.

"I'm I really?"

He was completely dumbfounded.

"Hmm? What? I'm sorry, but I don't really know what you're-"

"'A very attractive lady?' Am I really?"

Equius flushed neon red, spluttering.

"What? How did you...What?"

She smiled bashfully, and looked down at the ground.

"Well, you were talking while you texted...?"

He slammed his head into his hands in one of the most powerful facepalms ever seen.

"Oh no...I'm sorry..."

She giggled again, only spiking his heartrate further.

"Well...Don't apoligize. It wasn't exactly an insult was it?" She grinned. "My name's Aradia Megido"

She stood as the bus pulled up, extending a hand. He took it, hoping and praying it wasn't as clammy as it felt to him.

"Erm...Equius Zahhak..."

"That's a nice name. Well Mr Zahhak, I am afraid I need to cut this conversation short. But...It was nice to meet you, and you seem a really nice guy" She tossed her cigarette to the ground, and stomped it out, before releasing his hand and turning to walk into the bus. He pulled his hand back, and looked down at the scrap of paper in his palm, and the series of numbers upon it.

His head snapped up to watch the bus go, spotting Aradia in one of the windows. She locked eyes with him, and waved goodbye.

As it vanished out of sight, he realized two things. One, he appeared to have aquired the phone number of a beautiful girl, and two...

"Fuck! That was my bus"

But he wasn't really angry.

Not anywhere near it.


	5. The Cat Burgler

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, let me start this off with an apology to Veratis. I said I'd do your one shot next, but for some reason the angst just isn't flowing, and I didn't feel like it was good enough. So after being stumped for a while, I decided it would be better if I cleared some other shots out the way, and got your's out when I felt like it was good enough. I really hope you understand, and once again, sorry for failing to meet my own terms. Instead, I've moved to the next one on the list, a fluffy little comic relief shot from Kyoni, with the ultra high quality, super rare trash ship of Eridan X Nepeta XD. But no, I hope you enjoy this. And, if anyone else has an idea for a pairing, make sure to drop it in the reviews, and I'll get on it. But for now, enjoy this chapter, and as always, stay Jammy.**

Story 5: The Cat Burgler.

Eridan handed the cash to the girl behind the counter, giving her a beaming smile and receiving a blush, a giggle, and a goodbye wave in return. He took his coffee, and left, taking long strides down the street, sucking down deep breaths of fresh morning air, swigging coffee, and watching the clouds fly past. It was a good day to be alive, he most confidently decided. He didn't have much on the agenda today, so he'd decided to simply take a walk about town, pick up some coffee, maybe pop into a store or two. He had the time. And with his position as the son of a high up business man, he certainly had the money. He took a seat at a table, set out next to a cafe, and surveyed the street, taking slow sips of his drink, and debating what to do with his morning. Unbeknownst to him, a certain kitty cat was stalking him from the shadows. And she was about to dump his day straight on its head.

The aforementioned feline was leaning against the wall of a Burgerking, observing her target from the shadows. A pair of expensive looking blue trousers, sensible black shoes, and a white business shirt. Over that was a very well made long coat, almost a cape, and a purple scarf wound tight around his neck. The purple patch in his otherwise brown hair was certainly a very nice touch, and the thin rimmed glasses gave him the air of a business man, though he looked to be in his late teens, like her. He didn't seem to be doing much in particular, just sitting around and sipping at his coffee. Purrfect. She pushed off from the wall, and strode over to where he was sitting. It was all about the walk. Pretend you've got a purpose, and they'll likely not refuse you.

Eridan looked up as a girl, seemingly his own age, appeared at his table, smiling down at him.

"Hi! Is anyone sitting here?"

He was slightly caught off guard by her abrupt entry, but he wasn't one to refuse a lady a seat.

"Oh, no. Feel free to sit!"

Her smile grew wider, somehow, and she pulled the seat out and slumped down. She turned, searching the tables, and waved to a waitress. The women came over to her, and Eridan watched in amusement as she ordered the cafe's famous ultra-uber-deluxe hot chocolate, which was only slightly more drink than it was soup, what with how full of flake chunks, marshmellows and cream it was, alongside who knows what else.

He watched as she reached into her coat for her wallet, frowning and rummaging through her pockets. Eridan saw her face become more and more panicked, before he leaned over and tapped her wrist. He raised an eyebrow, before turning to the waitress and handing her a ten pound note.

"Keep the change for your tip" The waitress smiled and turned, going away to fetch her hot chocolate. Eridan sat back, and the woman let out a sigh of a relief as she finally found her wallet.

"Thank you. Sorry for making you pay her, here-" She tried to hand him the money he'd spent, but he waved her off.

"No no, don't worry. I've always been raised never to let a lady pay for her drink. Take it as a treat"

The girl giggled. "Well, thank you all the same. My name's Nepeta, Nepeta Leijon. Pleased to meet you" She extended a hand across the table, and he took it, his grip strong.

"Eridan Ampora. Likewise"

They released their grips a few seconds too late, and looked away, flushing. They sat in silence for a few seconds, before the waitress came back with Nepeta's drink. She took it in gloved hands, blew off the steam, and took a sip, smearing cream across her upper lip. Eridan gave a little chuckle, and she looked him, blushed and wiped the impromptu moustache away. They sat in silence for a while, each swigging their respective beverage. Eridan took that oppertunity to fully take in her outfit. It wasn't much, but she carried it well. A white T-shirt advertising a band he'd never heard of, a pair of ripped blue jeans, battered converse shoes, a roomy longcoat, and to top it all off, a bright blue, cat shaped hat. She looked up from her drink, and they locked eyes.

"Hey?"

Eridan blushed, she giggled, and the conversation continued. Jokes got laughs, stories got gasps, and charged remarks got blushes and giggles. All in all, they'd been together for close to an hour when Nepeta looked down at her watch, and frowned.

"Oh, grr. I'm gonna have to leave you. Duty calls, you know?"

Eridan, smiled. "Work huh?" He stood, tucking in his chair. "Well, hope you have fun"

They drifted closer.

"Yeah, I'll try..."

They locked eyes once more, and the moment just felt right. She stepped forward, and pressed her lips to his. He was shocked for a second, before he reciprocated. The came apart, and she gave him a final, fleeting grin, before she turned and hurried into the crowd. Eridan watched her go with a goofy grin.

Nepeta power walked through the milling people. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! That had not gone anywhere close to plan. She hadn't been expecting him to be so...Nice. She gave an unhappy sigh, before she slipped his wallet out from her baggy sleeve. She'd managed to bag it on the kiss, but...She couldn't say it was the reason she went for the kiss. Dammit. And her foul mood fell so much lower when she heard a: "Excuse me?" From behind her. She gave no sound as she started sprinting. Fuck it, he's nice, but I'm not going to jail today.

Eridan ran after her, darting into alleys, crossing roads, and slipping past pedestrians until they reached a low wall. She vaulted over it with cat like grace, not expecting the ten foot drop into a path below. Eridan heard her hit the ground with a thump, and a cry of pain. He slammed into the wall, before climbing over it, and dropping to the ground carefully. She lay on her back in the middle of the path, groaning in pain. She tried to lean up, but as she moved her foot, her groan turned to a cry and she slumped back down. He knelt down beside her.

"Are you OK?"

She looked at him through teary eyes.

"Uh...Yeah, I think I sprained my ankle...Oh god..."

His eyes went wide, and he reached for his phone to call an ambulance.

"Ok, I'll call an ambulance. But...Why were you running?"

"Cause you were chasing me!"

"I just wanted your number!"

Her face when slack, and she mumbled: "Oh"

He shook his head, and grabbed his phone, noticing as he did so a somewhat conspicious space in his pocket. He frowned, and looked down, to watch her pull his wallet from her own pocket.

"What?"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I was gonna take it, but then you were really nice and I felt really bad but I did it anyway and then I ran 'cause I didn't want to go to jail but then you were still nice and now I kinda think I love you"

She finished her miniature breakdown, and fell silent, breathing heavily.

Eridan stared down at her for a few, charged seconds. And then, he started laughing. At first a chuckle, and then a full on guffaw.

She gave him a confused look. "What? What's funny? Stop laughing!"

He did, and he wiped the sudden damp from his eyes. "Oh, nothing. I just...Don't worry. You're not going to jail" He sent Feferi a message, and slid his phone back in his pocket, before taking his wallet from her limp hand and replacing it within his jacket. "If it's just a sprain, I could take you back to mine, if you want. My friend Feferi's really good with first aid. And from this little story, I doubt you have much to go back to yourself"

He extended his hand. She took it, starry eyed, and he pulled her up, arm over his shoulders, and supported her injured leg. He stood there for a second, before he gave a sigh, and quite literally swept her off her feet, picking her up in his arms, bridal style. Inwardly marvelling at how light she was he carried her towards the road, setting her down and sitting beside her. They stayed that way for a while, until Nepeta finally summoned the courage to break the silence.

"...Why...Are you doing this?"

As a red convertible pulled up to the curb, driven by a girl dressed for a summer festival, he turned to her, and as he pulled her up from the curb, he whispered.

"Because I think...I kinda love you too"


	6. Hot Coffee

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here bringing you the sixth chapter of this one-shot extravaganza. This one was suggested by a reoccurring reader, fairytailasaurus. I hope I was able to keep my pledge of quality. Next is a Dirk/Jane shot, so keep watch for that. But after that is up in the air, so if you have an idea for a one shot, drop it in the reviews or a PM, and I'll begin work on that pretty much immediatly. But, that aside, if you enjoy, make sure to drop a favorite or a follow, and once again, if you have an idea, don't hesitate to beat me over the head with it until it's done. And, as always, stay Jammy, you beautiful people you!**

Story 6: Hot Coffee.

"Have a good day!"

The rather handsome man on the other side of the counter gave her a smile, and walked away with his coffee. Jane gave a sigh and looked down at her watch, frowing and stepping away from the till, letting one of her co-workers take over as she made her way out the back of the building. Leaning against the wall, she took a deep breath, and closed her eyes for a second. Guess today just wasn't the day. Neither had been the day before it, or the day before that...But it was bound to happen.

"It" Was the day she'd meet her soul mate. And while that seemed like a lofty thing to expect, Jane was nothing if not ambitious, and that heart combined with the rose-tinted thoughts of a hopeless romantic were a potent combination. Add to that a childhood of sickly-sweet rom-coms and page-turners packed with hopeful heroines, finally finding that special someone, even in the most mundane of circumstances, and you ended up with an unholy mess of dreams and wishes.

And that mess was named Jane Crocker. She'd picked a job at the local coffee shop. Partly because the money was good, and partly because that seemed to be a hotspot for sudden romance and blossoming feelings. They had yet to reveal themselves, but she was sure they would. But not today. She pushed off from the wall, and began to walk away from the shop, heading home after her long, long shift. No such luck today.

It didn't take her long to end up at the door of her apartment. She unlocked it and shoved it open, not really thinking, on autopilot really.

Open door. Get changed. Grab book, slap on the T.V, and lay on the couch 'till it's time for bed. The checklist of life.

But she'd been on the couch barely an hour when her phone beeped. She pulled her phone from her pocket, to see it was Jake messaging her. Something about a party in the evening. She blew him off quite easily. He knew very well she'd rather sit at home with a good book then "hang" at a party. Besides, she'd just got to the best part of her book.

The plucky, world wise heroine had just concocted a genius plan to ensnare her potential lover. All the intrepid adventurer had to do was...

Get into a party.

Jane facepalmed, all alone in her room, before snatching up her phone, and calling Jake. How could she have been this stupid? Coffee shops were great and all, but where else was a young girl like herself to find a lover?

 _At a party she didn't really want to be a part of._

That's how it always went! She assured Jake she'd most certainly be at the party, yes she'd changed her mind, don't act so surprised, she just had to get dressed. She tossed the phone down on the sofa and started clawing through her wardrobe.

This was it.

 _This_

 _is_

 _happening!_

Fast forward a few hours, and she got out of Jake's car to find herself in front of a large house. Who it belonged to, she wasn't sure of. But that wasn't really important. What was important, was the large amount of people milling about both inside the house, and pouring out into the front garden. One of these people, one of them was bound to be the one. Wait, no. Make that:

 _The One._

There we go. Some Matrix shit up in here.

Irrelevant movie referances aside, she followed Jake through into the crowded living room. A dozen or more people were drifting around, making boisterous conversation. She followed Jake through into the kitchen, and turned to him. Or, tried to. By that point he was already gone, presumably in search of some witty, slightly slurred repartee.

And with not much else to do, she snatched a drink from the side, plonked herself down, and waited for love.

And yet, nearly an hour later, love had not made itself known. Maybe love hadn't got the memo, but there was a lonely girl, sitting at a table, with only several empty glasses in the way of company. That was normally love's cue to get its shit together and come flying on the scene like the motherfucking kool-aid man.

"Oh yeah" My ass.

She gave a great sigh, and looked down at herself. Maybe it was the outfit? She couldn't be underdressed. It was just a nice skirt and a good blouse. Oh fuck it.

She looked down at her watch and gave it half an hour before she hurried on home. Time to mark this down as a complete and utter failure-

"'Ey baby, what're you doin' here?" This undeniably smooth remark was followed by a quiet hiccup.

Jane looked up from her watch, to find a girl who was equally undeniably drunk staring down at her, bottle of Jack in hand.

"Erm..."

She honestly didn't know what to say.

"Hey, don't worry, that can be rhetorical if you want" With that she threw herself in the chair across from Jane. "But this one ain't. What's up? Other then you. 'Cause you look down? Like...Shit!" She slapped a hand to her forehead.

"I look like shit?" Jane watched in amusement as she flailed her hands, sopping liqour arcoss the table.

"Fuck! No! Like, that was the end of my sentance, and, I fucked up the metaphor, so like, exclamation n' shit" She slumped. "Know what? Fuck it. Never mind-" She tried to stand, but Jane waved her down.

"No, no, don't worry! Just maybe...Try again?" She gave a great sigh of relief and sat back down.

"Ok...Yeah. I'll start again" She took a deep breath, a swig of Jack Daniel's, and began again.

"Hi! My name's Roxy...And uh, you looked upset, so I came to talk you up- Like, talk your mood up! Not...Fuck!" Jane giggled.

"No, no, that one was good, it was good" She shook her head. "And yeah, I'm feeling upset"

"Aww, what's wrong?"

"Well, I know this will probably sound weird, but I was kind of hoping...To meet someone, you know? Someone special" She facepalmed. God, that sounded stupid out loud.

"Oh...Cool!"

"What? Really?"

"Yeah" She gestured at the bottle in her hand. "I just came here for an excuse to get smashed"

Jane laughed, and shook her head.

"Really?"

"Yeah! No bullshit"

"Damn...That's awesome"

"Naw! You're way cooler! Fucking quest for true love shit!"

And so the night continued, laugh after laugh, story after story. And eventually, the night came to an end, as people began to file out and Jake walked up to the table.

"Hey, Jane. I'm gonna leave now? You coming?"

Jane groaned, and looked down at her watch to see it was getting close to sunrise.

"Wow! Time went fast...Gosh Roxy, I'm going to have to leave you"

Jane stood up from the table, and grabbed her purse only for a blanket of affectionate drunk to drape itself over her shoulder.

"Not just yet! I'll...I'll, I'll, I'll walk you out. Or, you can walk me out, c'ause I don't think I can walk anymore..." jane gave an insincere growl, and staggered to the door, somewhat smothered by a bob of blonde hair.

"C'mon Roxy, you need to let go-"

"Nooooooooooo"

"Roxy"

"Noooooooo"

In response, Roxy slumped off her shoulder, and clasped her hands around jane's waist instead.

"Look! Look! I can walk man...Woman. Yeah"

Jane, for her part, blushed and gave a worried glance to Jake. Only to see he was trying his best to conceal laughter. No help there.

"Erm...I don't think..."

"C'mon! I'll lead you to your car. Like a gentleman. Gentlewoman. Fuck it, genders are annoying"

She was true to her word, and Jane pointed out Jake's car to have Roxy half lead, half drag her to it. They stopped by the door.

"So, erm...Goodnight? It was really good meeting you..."

Fuck. She didn't want this to end, not yet.

Roxy, smiled, frowned, and then grinned again.

"Wait! I know...I'll give you..." She whipped a notebook from her pocket.

"My number!"

Yes. So much yes. Jane smiled.

"Sure! I'd love-like that!" Oh no. That was an awkward faux-pau. Hopefully she wouldn't notice-

"Oh! Love it, would you? Ah wonk wonk"

Shit. She noticed. Jane was still trying to contain her blush when Roxy tore a page out of her notebook, and handed it to her. Her name was printed in sloppy italics, and under it was scrawled:

 _Clal for a good time ;D Wonky face_

 _*Call* *Wniky* *Wiky* *Fuck*_

Jane blushed even harder, and looked up from the note, to find Roxy trying her best to emulate the emoticon on the note.

"Erm, I'll...I'll call you" And when she said that, she meant it.

"And I'll answer!"

With that, Roxy slapped her arms around Jane, slopping liqour down her back. But Jane was less worried about that then the sudden warmth of lips on hers. It lasted for only a few seconds, but then Roxy swayed back and grinned, before turning and walking away.

Jane climbed into Jake's car, completely dazed. And as they pulled out of the drive way, she looked in the mirror to see Roxy disappear into the house.

Huh. So it belonged to her. She hadn't found love, but she had been face-battled by a drunk rich girl.

And that was pretty much love.


	7. The Dirk wears Prada

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here. Sorry for the delay, but here is the seventh chapter of Ship shape shorts, this one a Dirk/Jane drabble. The delay was due to a sudden influx of videogames, which brings me onto a topic I've been meaning to bring up. If any of you readers own a PS4, feel free to lob a friend request at me, under the PSN of Archimedies00, and I'll be free to dicuss anything you'd like, maybe play some games. That is, if you actually wish to talk, which I doubt. But, that option is there if you wish, and I do enjy playing PAYDAY 2, Black Ops 3, and Rainbow SIx Siege. But onto important stuff, if you have a oneshot idea, drop it in the reviews and I'll be sure to get on it, next up it a Dave/Nepeta pairing, so stay tuned. Enjoy, and as always, stay Jammy.**

Story 7: The Dirk wears Prada.

A quiet house in suburbia. A tree, swaying in the wind. A brightly lit room. The chattering of keys, the muttered rhymes of a lyrical genius...

And the obnoxiously loud slurping of an almost empty milkshake.

Dirk looked up from his laptop, and put a hand to his headphones. A few seconds passed. He shook his head, and went back to his mumbling.

"I'm a heretical, spiritual lyrical individual-"

 _Slurp._

His head snapped up. But once again, he was met with a sudden silence.

"Prodigal, just too original, cynical, to ever be stopped by the banal-"

 _Slurrrrrrrrrrrrp_

"Jane! Can you not!" He tossed his headphones to the pilow, and looked across to where to she lay, sprawled on the floor. She looked up at him, and extracted the straw from her mouth.

"Can I not what? I'm just drinking" She gave him a cheeky grin.

"Oh really? Well, I'm _just_ mixing the illest fires you ever did hear, and it's very hard to do that when the sound of a high powered septic system is all you can hear"

"Hey!" She frowned at him and cocked a wrist as if to throw. When Dirk gave no reaction, she furrowed her brow, and launched her bargain projectile. Only for Dirk to snatch it out the air without even looking.

"Nice try. Good technique, but a little too much spin"

"Awww!"

"Observe"

She flopped back to ground, and watched as the empty milkshake went sailing across the room, and landed perfectly atop the teetering pile of rubbish that poked far above the top of the bin. It stood for a second, swaying gently. And both Dirk and Jane cringed as it toppled to the ground with an obscene crash. She looked up at him, and he shrugged.

"Welp, I tried. Therefore, I basically succeeded" Jane pushed herself to her feet, walked over, and draped herself across his shoulders.

"That's not how that works"

"Ah, but who can say how it does and doesn't?"

"Well, me. And I say it dosen't. Sooooooo"

Dirk turned slightly to nuzzle his face against her's. "Sooooooo? I know that tone"

She gave him an imploring glance, and a pointed look to the now half empty bin.

Dirk let out an insincere sigh, and stood.

"Fine. Is this because I'm the only one dressed? Or are you just too lazy?"

He was right to suggest both of those. Though he wore his standard cargo-pants and t-shirt, Jane was still barely dressed, in a baggy jumper and a pair of shorts. As for lazy?

Jane gave a huff, before smiling. "Little bit of both?"

Dave flashed her the thumbs up, and lurched off the bed, only for Jane to pull herself up, curl up in his spot. He shook his head, grinning, as he gathered up the rubbish and jammed it back into the bag, before tieing it shut.

"Getting more and more like your damn cat..."

He laughed and walked away, shaking his head, as she blew a raspberry at his back.

He shoved open the bedroom door and staggered down the stairs. There was no-one in the house but them, as Jane's father had gone off to meet up with Roxy's mum fairley late at night, and wasn't expected back 'till evening today. Dirk gave a little smirk. They totally had something going. So totally.

He got down to the bottom floor, and searched for his boots. He'd kicked them off when he'd got in. And pretty much straight after, they'ed headed upstairs for a night of absolutely dank movies. Dank being used in the most ironic of tones.

But, he didn't really mind. He'd spent the night curled up next to Jane under the covers, watching olde-timey, black and white comedy films, smiling as Jane burst into laughter at the apparently "hilarious" antics upon screen. They'ed fallen asleep together, as the sun peeked over the horizon and birds started chirping.

His fond recollections where interrupted as he realized his boots where no-where to be found.

After a minute or two of puzzling, his eyes fell upon Jane's red high heels.

No.

No...

Yes...?

Yes.

Dirk slipped them on/rammed his feet into them, and stood up on shakey legs. Dirk may have had the balance of a god, but he was no woman. He tottered over to the front door, and pulled it open before almost faceplanting over the threshold. He began the long journy to the outside bin, heels clacking over the tarmac driveway.

Jane, on the other hand, had finally pulled herself up from the covers, after sifting through the music samples immediately available on Dirk's laptop, and stood. She pulled the blanket over herself, and bgean the walk down the stairs, wondering what was taking him so long. She hit the bottom step as the front door crept open again. And Dirk came "striding" through.

"Yeah, I've totally got this walk...Shit"

He came face to face with Jane, who was staring down at his exaggerated stance, and trying her best not to dissolve into laughter. There was a pregnant pause, as Dirk tried to figure out whether or not she was going to chew him out for taking her heels. She looked him up and down. And reached out to stroke his hair.

"You know Dirk? They really suit you. Just...Ask, next time, OK?"

With that, she turned and headed back up the stairs, leaving Dirk posed like a brain damaged model.

She got halfway up the flight before she burst out giggling.

She was telling the truth though.

He really wore them well.


	8. Cats, bags, and voluntary overtime

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals. Sorry for abandoning this prompts thing. I'd say I have a good reason, but I don't. So yeah, this is a thing again now. Thanks to Nanami for this prompt, hope I captured your artistic vision. If you have a prompt, pick a ship and drop it in the review along with the situation you want them in, and I'll crank it out as quick as I can. Peace.**

Story 8: Cats, bags, and voluntary overtime.

Dave looked up from his monitor as the door to the pet shop slid open with a high pitched beep. He watched as young girl, about his age, bounced in through the doors, dragging a larger man by the hand. Even from his station at the desk, he could hear her enthusiastic chatter. Which wasn't a very good indicator, as he was about seven feet away from the entrance, and therefore could hear every word.

"C'mon slow poke! We're here! We're here!"

"Yes, I know that Nepeta. I am the one who drove you here, after all."

"Shush, Equius. I know"

The odd pair made their way up to the desk. Dave closed the shitty comic he was mid way through drawing, and looked up at them. Shit, she was cute. Short reddish orange hair, a flushed face covered in a spray of freckles, and big green eyes staring at him over the top of the counter. It took him a view seconds of staring to realize she was talking to him.

"Oh, what? Sorry, zoned out there for a second. What?"

Shit, you fucked it Strider. He expected her to get mad, but instead she just giggled.

"It's ok. I said, I'm just going to look around for a bit?"

Dave scratched the back of his head, and nodded.

"Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Yeah"

She gave him a huge grin, and skipped off, with the larger man trailing behind her. Dave smiled after her, and went back to his comic. Or at least, he tried too.

Instead, he spent the better part of an hour watching her bounce back and forth, letting out little squeals of excitement. If you'd shown him that outfit on anyone else, he'd have thought it was tacky. But on her, it was just sickeningly sweet. A short pink skirt, a pair of leggings covered in paw prints, and an off white blouse, topped off with a pair of out of place blue converse and a blue hoodie, with a pair of cat ears atop the hood. Christ, what was with the cat theme. It suited her though, she certainly seemed quite feline in nature. But not the fat lazy kind of feline, like Rose's cat. The jumpy, adorable kind of feline, and as she leaned over to cat and bumped her nose to it, he decided he needed to talk to her. Desperately. And so, hidden behind his screen and his shades, he waited for his opportunity.

It came after yet another half an hour of excitable giggling, as the tall man looked down at his watch.

"Ah, I apologise Nepeta. But Aradia wanted me to take her to the archaeology exhibit. I will need to leave now if I am to get there on time. Are you fine to carry your choice back to the house?"

She didn't turn away from the cat she was aggressively cuddling, and instead waved him away distractedly.

"Yeah! Yeah, that's fine. Oooooh, you're so fluffy!"

Equius just gave a hrmph of approval, and made his exit. Seeing his chance, Dave slipped around the counter, and walked up behind her. Walked, not snuck. Snuck? Sneaked? Whichever it was, it wasn't what he did. Not at all.

But even with his purposeful lack of sneakage, he made it right next to her before she noticed he was there. Alright open up a conversation, all those employee inductions have readied you for this.

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

On the other hand, the inductions didn't teach you not to startle someone with an armful of cat. Or maybe they did, he hadn't paid much attention.

She let out a surprised, and cute, "eep!" and tightened her grip on the cat. Which proceeded to lose its shit and claw its way out of her arms, vanishing back into its box, hissing and spitting.

"Oh shit! Are you ok? Shit, that wasn't smart" Nepeta held her left arm, which had faired the worst, and was marred with a pair of deep scratches, that even now were oozing blood. Dave's face went white, and he started flapping his hands around, even as she tried her best to convince him she was fine.

"No! I mean, yes, I'm alright. It's ok! No, I'm fine, look-Ahh! That hurts. I mean, I'm fine. Hah?"

Dave stood for a second, and she tried to give him her best reassuring smile. Dave's heart proceeded to do several backflips and keel over dead. But luckily his brain was in gear.

"Oh, I think we have some Neosporin for these kind of things, give me a second"

Before she could protest, he dragged her away and over to the counter, where he rummaged behind the desk for the neosporin and some bandages and wet wipes.

"Ok, alright. They covered this in basic first aid Strider, it's all good" He held her arm and wiped off the worst of the blood, treating her very carefully. Nepeta, for her part, was slightly confused, and very embarrassed, but also kind of flattered. He was certainly a good looking boy, and he was very gentle. He pulled off his glasses, muttering about shitty lenses and the inability to see. She couldn't help but gasp, and he looked up at her, eyes widening with concern. The bright orbs of crimson stood out massively from his pale face.

"Are you ok? Did I hurt you?"

"Oh, no, no. I just...Your eyes are really pretty"

They both blushed, and Dave looked down at his lap.

"Huh. Thanks, most don't think that. But I'm happy you think so. You're pretty too"

Nepeta did the same, before hissing as he sprayed Neosporin onto her wounds.

"Sorry"

"It's ok"

He wrapped bandages around her arm, and they both sat for a second.

"Erm...Thanks for helping me out. It was really nice of you"

"Ah, no problem. It was kind of my fault in the first place. What with me sneaking up on you and all"

"Well, yeah!" She gave a little giggle. "Oh right!"

She stood, and ran off into the shop. And came back a little while later, bearing the basket containing the cat that had started this whole fiasco. she placed it carefuly on the counter.

"I want this one!"

Dave laughed, a genuine laugh, not his usual ironic snort, and raised an eyebrow.

"You sure about that?"

"Hah! Yes! He's a little fighter"

"Ok. Just don't sue me if he scratches you. Or eats you, I feel like that's a pretty big risk here, given what we're dealing with"

Nepeta stuck her tongue out at him. "Hush you! He has proved himself. I will name him Arqius. And he will be mine"

Dave shook his head, and put it through on the computer. As he did, he noticed.

"Shit!"

"What?"

"I should have left an hour ago!" He stood up from the desk, and fumbled his phone out of his pocket. He looked out the door to find it was already near dark.

"Fuck, I really don't want to deal with Bro right now..."

"Huh?"

"He gets real antsy when I'm home late. And normally, antsy for him is a duel to the almost death on the roof of our apartment building" He was halfway through the door when an "Um" stopped him. He turned back to see Nepeta looking at him, cradling Arquius. And blushing.

"Erm. Well, if you don't really want to go home..." She scratched the back of her head, looking away.

"Yeah?"

"Well. You could come to my house if you want? Just to spend the night. It's already dark and stuff..."

Dave looked away for a second, pretending to think about it. but really he was just hiding his grin.

"Yeah. I'd like that" He followed her out the door, locking up and beginning the trek.

"Do you want to carry him?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah!"

Dave took the basket, and when she was safely looking away, leaned close and whispered:

"Thanks man. For the opportunity"

The cat gave a knowing whine, and Nepeta turned to grin at them.

And Dave smiled right back.


	9. Gif-Communication

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here with the next chapter of this extraordinarily trash filled story. But hey, and actual Canon ship this time! This story is a fusion of a couple of prompts I got, Koniax Hyasen wanted me to do a chapter with a couple arguing about Gif vs Jif, while Candymouse22 wanted an Arasol one shot. So here! I'm absolute shit with Arasol, so I ended up bringing some very light GamVros in as a crutch. I hope you're both happy with this shot. And if you want your own oneshot up in writing, drop a situation and a pairing in the reviews or a PM, and I'll get it done. No ship too trash, no situation too cringe!**

 **Enjoy.**

Story 9: Gif-Communication.

Sollux looked up from his laptop as Aradia sank down onto the bed beside him. She turned and gave him a shy little smile. He grinned back at her, and she snuggled up against him, head on his shoulder as she watched him scroll Tumblr. He rested against her, and they watched the internet roll past. Until they came to a gif of a dancing cat, as is the norm on Tumblr. Aradia leaned forward and grabbed his hand, stopping his scrolling.

"Look!"

Sollux watched the cat trying to pull a paper bag off of its head, and in the process dancing quite the merry jig. He grinned at how adorable it was, and pulled Aradia closer.

"That is probably the cutest Jif I've ever seen" Aradia pulled her hand back, and he turned to her, worried. She was looking at him with what seemed to be a mixture between worry and disgust.

"What?" He kept scrolling. He looked back, and she was staring.

"What did you say?"

"What? The cutest Jif I've ever seen?"

"There! What was that?"

"What? Cutest?"

"No! Jif?"

Sollux turned to her, somewhat confused. "Yeah? Jif. That is what it is Aradia"

"No it's not! It's Gif!"

Sollux stared at her for a few seconds, before slapping a hand to his forehead. "Really?"

"Yes really!"

Sollux closed his laptop, and pushed himself back on the bed, so he was sitting cross-legged infront of her. "Aradia, that is, quite frankly, ridiculous. It is Jif"

She crossed her arms. "Nu-uh. It's Gif"

Sollux did the same, a wry smile on his face. "Oh really?"

She gave him an adorable frown. "Yes really. Where on earth does it say it's Jif, hmm?"

Sollux considered it for a second. "And where does it say, specifically, it's Gif?"

There was a moment of silence. "Touche"

She gave him a contemplative look, and sat back against him. Even though she was still, he could tell she was thinking a mile a minute. He switched tabs over to his coding, and began typing. He snuggled up against her, and they stayed there for a while, just existing in each others presence. They stayed in silence for several minutes.

"I still think it's Gif" Sollux smacked his forehead against the keyboard, with a groan. Aradia giggled.

"Aradia, this is ridiculous. It's Jif!"

"Gif"

"Jif!"

"Gif!"

"Hmrph!"

"Hmrph!"

Sollux put his arm around her, and pulled her closer. "You're not gonna leave this alone, are you?"

Aradia feigned deep though, before shaking her head. "I don't think so"

"Hmm...How to settle this" He lisped.

"You could just admit I'm right"

"Pfft. A Captor never admits he's wrong"

"Even if he is?"

"Especially then"

"Hmm"

Sollux grinned, and slipped his phone out of his pocket, picking a number out of his contacts, before giving Aradia a coy smile. The phone connected.

"Sollux? What the actual fuck do you want now. I swear if this is another code you want me to '"Trial'", then you can go ram your over priced motherboard up your nook-"

"Woah, shit KK. Ain't nothing like that"

"Then what asshat? I've got Gamzee quote on quote '"chilling'" With Tavros in my home for some fucking reason, and that fucking psycho is trying to force both pie and his tongue down the poor fucks throat, in varying orders, but I'm not sure whether I should be intervening or not, cause the nooksniffer seems to be enjoying it as much as Gamzee is, and/or more. This had better be important!"

Sollux put the phone back to his ear after Karkats outburst, and grinned at Aradia.

"Yeah KK, it's super important"

"Fine, what!"

"You know the really short clips, without sound?"

"What? The fuck does this have to do with me?"

"Don't worry. But what is it called?"

"What is what called?"

"The clips!"

"Uhhh? Jifs? Why the fuck do I have to answer this?"

"Don't worry, thanks KK" He gave Aradia a self satisfied smirk.

"Well, if that's fucking all...Oh no you don't! Not on my fucking couch you heathens-"

Sollux hung up on him, and crossed his arms. Aradia glared back at him.

"Second opinion"

"J1f? Or G1f? Who knows. 1'd go w1th G1f. 1t sound5 b3tt3r"

Sollux grunted, and hung up on Terezi. Aradia smiled at him.

"Third"

"Wwhat? Erm...Jif?"

"I'd say thanks, but fuck you"

"Fourth"

"iM'mA rOlL wItH gIf, MoThEr FuCkEr. HeY TaVBrO!"

"eRM, i'd sAY jIF. i lIKE tHE wAY iT sOUNDS, iS tHAT oK?"

"FuCk YeAh MoThEr FuCkEr, tHaT's ThE bEsT kInD oF oK. wAiT, cAn I cHaNgE mY aNsWeR?"

Sollux hung up.

"Well shit. We've gotten pretty mixed answers"

She nodded, and leant back.

"You know how we should solve this?"

"If you suggest an archeological dig I'm going to flip my shi-"

"Google?"

"Oh shit. Google"

A few minutes later, she'd snuggled up beside him at the behest of a youtube video they'd found. An interview with the man who'd made the Gif format. And a few minutes later, Aradia was staring at the screen in shock, whil Sollux crossed his arms, satisfied.

"See? Jif. Not Gif"

Aradia looked like she'd just been told the sky was green, the earth was flat, and that Santa lived on the south pole, and had them all fact checked right in front of her.

"But. But..."

"But me no buts!" Sollux burst into crackling laughter, and Aradia stood up from the bed, gave him an adorable glare, before stomping off into the apartment.

Well, he'd have to patch things up pretty soon. but not before he'd had his fun. He scooped up his laptop.

"Hey Aradia! Check this _Jif_ I just found!"

He'd have his fun, certainly.


	10. Splatterhouse

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here with the next story in this...Story. Welp, that sentance was trash. But not as trash as this ship! *Finger guns* But yeah. Thanks again to Koniax for suggesting this ship, this time JaneXDave. And, just so you know miss Hyasen, I am perfectly fine with pale ships as well. I apologise in advance if I don't do them justice though, as I've just had a lot more experiance with matespirit ships. But anyway! For everyone else, if you have a ship you want me to, be it a fluffy matespirit, a bromance packed pale Moirallegiance, or and especially angsty Kissmesitude, drop them in the reviews or a PM along with a situation, or if you don't have one, I can try and come up with one. Rest assured it will get done, just with varying urgency depending on how much I manage to procrastinate. I will do it though, so don't be shy!**

Story 10: Splatterhouse.

Dave kicked the front door to their apartment open. Or attempted to, forgetting it was quite sturdily locked. Instead, he just pushed himself away from it, slamming himself into the door opposite, and clattering the paint cans against it. He heard a giggle beside him.

"Nice one"

"Pftt. I meant to do that, had to give you some space to unlock the door"

He readjusted his shades, and Jane walked into his view. She too was carrying a couple of cans of paint, and was dressed like a DIY dream. Hip hugging jeans, a light blue "Welcome to Rapture" tee, and a pair of heavy duty boots.

"Oh sure you did. And I meant to fall for you"

"...Hmm. I don't know how to react to that"

"You shouldn't"

She gave him a coy smile, and put the cans on the ground, pulling her keys from a pocket, and unlocking the door. She picked up the cans, and shoved the door open with her shoulder, striding through into the apartment. Heh.

Dave hefted the cans, and followed her, quite unashamedly following the sway of her hips. He lay the paint down on the ground, and just stood there and stared for a second.

"Hello? The other cans?"

"Oh shit, right...It was a dramatic pause?"

"Course it was Dave"

"..."

"Cans?"

"Shit, right"

He hurried away, and began ferrying cans back and forth, as Jane went into her wardrobe and pulled out two aprons she'd bought a few days ago. He brought the last few tins in, and clapped his hands together, looking around at their apartment. It wasn't huge, but their combined incomes, Dave's from his radio hosting, and Jane's from the family bakery, they'd managed to get a pretty highclass apartment in the near middle of town. Like he'd said, it wasn't massive, but it did contain a large common area, a kitchen, and a pair of bedrooms. It was fairly expensive, but it was very much worth it. The only real misgiving they had was the very drab grey colour upon every wall. But they were about to change that.

"Ok Dave, where do you want to start?" He turned, and was enveloped by an apron thrown at his face. He pulled it off, and shoved his head through, tying the strings around his waist.

"Well, we should probably start with the common room. It'll take the longest, after all"

Jane grinned at him, and pulled a set of brushes from behind her back with a flourish. They had already set down sheeting on all the floors in preparation. He took a brush from her, smiling, and they turned to regard the common room.

"So...What colour you thinking Janey?"

And so an hour of their time was taken up "discussing" the colour they were to paint the common room . Or rather, arguing about it rather passionately.

"It should be a sky blue! It'd look nice!"

"And I'm not arguing against that. I'm just saying, that'd look nice. But light red? Almost pink but not quite? That'd be absolutely ill"

"Yes, ill. As in, vomit inducing. It'd be terrible!"

"Oh, now that's just mean. You've wounded me Janey. Wounded me"

"And I'm fine with that. As long as you aren't painting anything pink!"

"Almost pink! And that is what I am going to paint"

He grabbed two cans, and stood. Only to feel a heavy splatter against his chest. He looked down to see a line of blue sprayed across his apron. He glanced up to see Jane posed, holding a brush soaked in baby blue paint.

"Oh. My god. I can't believe you've done this"

Jane smirked, and crossed her arms. "You'd better. Blue!"

She turned round, and bent over to pick up her own can. Dave popped the lid on his, and dipped a brush in, lifting and taking careful aim.

Jane gasped with indignation as she felt something splatter across the seat of her jeans. She shot upright, and gave an angry "hrmph". She put a hand to her backside, and it came away almost pink. But not quite.

"Alright! If that's how you want to do it!" She slopped up a large amount on her brush, and globbed it at him, splattering it across his stomach.

"Oh, honey. It's on!"

She grinned at him. "You know it is. So...Loser has to paint the apartment, the winners colour?"

"Fuckin deal, Janey. Get ready. I'm about to bring the paint"

"That joke was terrible"

"Rah!"

He leapt at her, a second brush appearing in his other hand, and Jane readied hers.

In the future, (the weekend after) legends (Dave) would tell of the great battle that befell them that day. There was sniping from one side of the room to the other, tense close range action, and brutal hand to hand fighting, that raged for the better part of a century, (About an hour). The only other witness to this Dirk, who opened the door to check on them, and stumbled upon a warzone. Jane had straddled Dave, and both were covered in sprays and splatters of paint. Dave had a pair of hand prints on the side of his face and his neck, along with a lipstick smear straight across his lips, while Jane bore a pair of very conspicious handprints across the seat of her trousers, in a colour that was almost pink. But not really. Kind of a salmon colour.

"Dave, what the fuck is this"

Dirk stepped into the apartment, and looked around. The walls were splattered not just with red and blue, but a couple of dozen other colours too.

"Oh shit. That's actually pretty good. Welp, I'm just here to make sure you did your apartment. Since you seem to have done that..." He looked down on them. "I'm out"

He disappeared out the door, and shut it quietly behind him.

Jane looked down at Dave, still panting from the struggle that had ended up with them in this position.

"So..."

Dave grinned at her. Somewhere in the brutal conflict he'd lost his glasses, and now his crimson eyes stared up at her.

"So"

"Seems there's not really anything left to paint. We seem to have covered it as collateral"

"We certainly did. Drone struck the shit out of it"

He made to sit up, but Jane pushed him back down.

"And yet, you seem to have ended up as quite the prisoner of war. And I have yet to collect my dues"

She leaned down to him. Dave squirmed beneath her.

"Hey, you can't do this. There's a convention for it! It's sole purpose is so you can't do stuff like this! The other world powers will have your head!"

Jane gave him a coy little smile, which was simultaneously terrified and excited him.

"They don't need to know. I'll make like north Korea, and shut it all down..."

"...Just for the night"

And so she did. And nobody heard a thing.

Apart from, possibly, the neighbours.


	11. Too close

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here, bringing you the fuckin eleventh chapter of this shit. This prompt has been suggested by Eye'sMoon, who wanted me to do someform of TereziXfuck knows chapter. I went with Karkat X Terezi, and I hope I did your idea justice. And Koniax Hyasen, I am going to get your chapter done, but I thought i'd give it a bit before I got onto the pale shipping. Hope that's alright by you. Now, if you want your Ship in a chapter, yes, you, person reading this authors note, just drop it in the reviews or a PM, along with a situation or prompt for it. Once you've done that, I'll get on it as quickly as possible. Hoping for plenty of chapters, so I have something to do with my life. Anyway, enjoy this one. Bye :3**

Story 11: Too close.

"C'mon Karkles, hurry it up!"

"Fuck off Terezi"

"We can't let the perp get away"

"What fucking perp! You still haven't explained who we're chasing like a pair of useless fucks!"

Karkat was stumbling and staggering through the forest, hot on the heels of Terezi. Or, he'd like to think he was. In reality, he was some distance behind her, but he was loath to admit a blind girl could pick her eay through the underbrush any better then he could. And yet, that was a relatively true fact, as Terezi managed to skip, jump, and vault her way through the trees and bushes of the forest, while Karkat managed to trip over everything in his path, and then tripped some more. Terezi vanished through a particularly thick set of bushes, and Karket stumbled over a protruding root, catching his foot on a fallen branch and slamming face first into the ground.

"Fuck!"

"Karkles? Have you hurt yourself"

"Well, fucking yeah" He put a hand to his face, and it came away wet. And more importantly, red. "Oh shit" He staggered to his feet, and wiped away at his bleeding nose, trying to stem it before Terezi found her way back. Too late, as she exploded out the brush and stood there panting.

"Karkles? Are you ok?"

He stood frozen for a moment, waiting for the shock, the disgust, the anger. Before mentally kicking himself. She's stone cold blind, you absolute fucktard. He felt a crashing wave of relief.

"Yeah" His voice wavered, and he hissed with anger, before collecting himself. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just tripped and busted my nose"

Terezi stepped towards him, and before he could move back, her hands had snaked out and clasped him by the sides of his head.

"Terezi, the fuck-"

"Are you sure you're ok?" She turned his face back and forth, sniffing loudly. Oh shit. "I smell...Red?"

Karkat seized her wrists, and pulled them away from his face. "Erm. Yeah. I landed face fucking first in a bunch of shitty red flowers" She gave him a worried look, but dropped her hands. Hoping to break the silence, hoping she'd bought it, he cleared his throat.

"So, err. Did we at least catch the fuckin'...Perp?" If he was looking to distract her, he'd done it well. She seemed to stand up straighter, and a huge grin split her face.

"Yup! We've managed to apprehend notorious crime boss, slime scale! So called due to his...Questionable business practises. But now, we have him with a briefcase of stolen beetles, and a pair of cuffs just for him!" She grabbed Karkat by the hand, and began dragging him through the forest. He made no move to escape her grasp, just allowing himself to be dragged behind her. He almost glad she was holding his hand so tight. It meant she couldn't feel him shake.

"Here we are! Scale's cooling his jets in the cruiser" He followed her pointing finger to see her indicating a large cluster of bushes. Beside them was a large cave. He reached across, and adjusted her arm until she was pointing to the cave.

"You mean that cruiser?"

Terezi dropped her arm, and blushed. "Yeah. Follow me!" He walked after her as she pranced up to the cave. He stopped at the mouth. And hurled himself backwards with a shout as her massive dragon lusus poked its head out. He scrambled backwards on his arse for a few seconds, before dragging himself to his feet, and dusting himself off.

"Right. Ok. You said something about cuffs? 'Cause I'm noticing a distinct lack of restraint on that motherfucker!"

"Oh don't worry yourself Karkles. He's under complete control" With no fear, she walked up, and grabbed a length of vine that was wrapped around its jaw, keeping its mouth closed. She half dragged, half lead it out of the cave. "Now walk yourself back to the precinct! We're gonna have ourselves an execution!"

An hour later, he sat beside Terezi, on the roof her treetop hive. Her lusus had allowed her to tie the "noose" around its neck, and graciously pretended to fall dead when she tightened it, before getting bored of her bullshit, and flying off god knows where to do god knows what. Eat unsuspecting trolls, probably. He shook his head and smiled, before turning to find Terezi staring at him.

"What?"

"Noooothing" She crooned, before shifting closer to him. And placing her hand atop his. Karkat blushed, but shrugged it off. She'd always been very physical. But no matter how physical she normally was, he couldn't help but tense when she lay her head against his shoulder.

"Terezi?"

"What?"

He had a lot of things he wanted to say. Some of them involved her getting the fuck off him, some were him asking her if she was ok, in a variety of ways, and others were things he didn't even want to think about.

So he settled for silence. And slipping an arm around her to pull her closer.

She snuggled against him, and they sat there for a while, staring into the horizon.

"Karkat?"

He snapped out of his stupor, and glanced down at her. Her eyes were closed.

"Yes?"

It wasn't often she used his actual name.

"You're lonely"

"What? Fuck off. I'm with you, I can't be lonely"

As he said it, he felt a change in the air. That sentance could easily be misconstrued. What its true meaning was, he wasn't really sure.

"That's not what I mean. And you know it"

He tensed uncomfortably.

"Look, I don't know what-"

"You think you're a freak"

He stopped talking. Oh shit. Oh no.

"Wh-what?" It wasn't often he was speechless.

"I'm not an idiot Karkat. I know what you've been hiding"

Oh no. He tried to rise, to walk away from this conversation, the strange path it seemed to be taking. But she pulled him back down.

"No. It's not. Not..."

Oh for fuck sake. He was crying. Crimson tears tracking down his cheeks.

"Not what Karkles?"

"Not...Not who I am..."

She gave a little snort. He turned to her, sadness becoming anger, about to absolutely lay into her for laughing at him. But her sad little smile stopped him.

"I know"

"Huh?"

"I know that Karkat. As we've established, I'm not stupid" He just sat and stared. As quick as it had come, his anger was gone. She reached up, and took his face in her hands, gently, and pulled herself closer. "You're still my grouchy little Karkat" His blood was still smeared across his upper lip, and she pulled herself closer, taking a long hard sniff. "I worked it out a long time ago. But I wasn't sure whether or not...To bring it up" And like that, Karkat was reduced to a sniveling mess, tears streaming down his face, little snorts and choking sobs escaping him as he buried himself in her arms. Here, in the arms of one of his closest friends, he disappeared, just for the moment. She held him close, and pressed her lips against his forehead.

"Oh god Terezi"

"It's ok. It's ok Karkat"

She didn't release her hold as she slumped down, carrying him to the ground. They lay there, side by side, clutching at each other for warmth, support, and purpose. Fairly soon, he'd cried himself out, and just lay there, breathing deeply and pressing himself against her. The stars were out. And though it was night, they were warm in their embrace. Terezi wrapped herself around the shorter troll, pressing her face against his neck, taking him in. All of him. Even...

"Karkat?"

"Y-Yeah?"

"I can smell your blood" He went limp against her. There was silence, and then...

"Do you like it?

She gave a little giggle.

"You're an idiot, Karkat"

"What!?"

She slumped against him too. Sleep was close now.

"Red's my favorite colour"

He gave a breathy sigh.

"And you're my favorite troll"


	12. Black and Blue

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here with a slightly uncomfortable chapter of ship-shape-shorts. I was requested by Camelote to do some blackrom between Gamzee and Terezi, and I have to say, it was really weird to write. I kind of bent the prompt a little to make it easier for me to write, I hope that's fine with you. I don't think I'll be doing black rom again, as this just kind of made me inexplicibly uncomfortable. It got really heavy for some reason. Plus, I don't feel like this one was particularly good, anyway, hopefully this chapter will pass everyones high standards regardless :(. Anyway, if you, the reader, have any pairings you'd like to see, (Preferably matespirit, but Moirails cool too) Drop 'em in the reviews or PM me with an idea and a ship to accompany it. I'll get it done as soon as possible. But for now, enjoy the weird, angsty, pushing the boundaries of a T-rated fic chapter I have for you. Peace.**

Story 12: Black and blue.

Gamzee looked up from his drawings as the door to the aparment slammed open. The honk that followed it was almost unheard. Almost.

"For fuck sake Gamzee!" He leaned back in his chair.

"What?"

"Don't you fucking what me! You've got to stop with these fucking horns! Christ!"

The offending horn went sailing down the corridor, and slammed against the wall with a sad little wheeze. He felt a shard of ice flow through his veins, but he pushed it down. To be fair, he should really stop dumping his horns by the door. That didn't stop the anger every time she wrecked one though. He pushed himself away from the table, and tensed at the screech from the floorboards.

"How many times have I told you? It messes up the fucking floorboards" He gave a sigh, and stood up as Terezi stomped into the living room, kicking her shoes off against the wall, and pressing her hands to her temples. She gave a sigh, and put on her best smile.

"Sorry about that" She massaged her forehead once again. Gamzee just gave her a smile.

"Have a bad day at work?"

The smile vanished, replaced with a grimace. "When don't I? What kind of question was that?"

And just like that, Gamzee's was gone too. "Well, fuck. I was just asking a question"

"Well shit Gamzee, why don't you ask a better one!"

Gamzee huffed, and glared at her. She was still in her suit, now crumpled and creased from her days work.

"Alright. What piece of shit were you defending today?" That simple sentence seemed to drag all the anger out of her. That was how it always was. She looked up at him, her cloudy eyes seeming to spell defeat.

"A rapist. A fucking rapist Gamzee!" For a moment, even he was stunned into silence. Her job as a defense attorney had landed her some unsavoury customers. But nothing like that.

"Oh shit"

"Yeah, oh shit. Fucking hell" she reached out, finding the chair, and pulling it out, slumping down in it, and placing her head in her hands. "He...Was so slimy! Like, Jesus, he had no shame!"

Even Gamzee was struck by silence. "Shit" He sat down beside her, put a hand on her shoulder, massaging it gently. He wanted to say something funny, to tickle her below the armpits like he used to. But no matter how hard he tried, they tried, those days were gone. All he could do was rub her shoulder as comfortingly as he could. He felt a pang as he realized she was crying.

"And, and...He fucking won. I was his defense attorney, and I did my job, and I feel like shit" He really didn't know what to say. She'd had her fair share of shitty jobs. But this was new.

"I get it, Terezi...I know that fucking sucks, motherfucker"

And suddenly she rounded on him. "Well, you don't know, do you! I was on my way out of the trial...And her parents. They fucking spat on me. They spat on me Gamzee!" Her hand shot to a stain over her breast pocket. Silence, as he pulled her closer, trying unsuccessfully to quell her shaking. He held her close. But she pushed herself away, and stood up.

"I need to go get dressed. I'm presuming we've got something to drink?" Gamzee grinned, back on firmer ground here, and walked into the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out a bottle of Jack Daniels. He opened it up, and her nose crinkled, before she smiled. He knew it was her favourite. She wandered off upstairs, and he took a swig, before grabbing a glass and pouring a few fingers, topping it up with coke and ice. He grabbed both bottle and glass, and sat up the table, to give her a few minutes to change. By the time he decided to go up, he'd drained the glass, and refilled it before he stood. He grabbed it and the bottle, and made his way upstairs.

He stopped outside the door of their bedroom, and listened. He couldn't hear crying, and that was always a good sign. He gently pushed the door open, to find her lying on her back in her scalemate boxers and her libra T-shirt. He smiled to himself. They were always her chill-out clothes. Her glasses lay discarded on the bedside table, and he sat down beside her, placing the bottle on the floor, and the glass on the table. He pushed up her shirt, and rubbed her stomach. She smiled up at the ceiling, and he grinned as well. These moments were few and far between. She reached for the glass, and he slipped it into her hand. She sat up and drained the glass in one go, before slamming it back onto the counter. He pulled up the bottle, and they passed it back and forth in sombre silence, 'till it was almost empty. They were happy together.

And, just like always, he ruined it.

"I don't see why you do these jobs. They fucking suck, Terezi" He felt the air change, colder now. She tensed.

"Well, how else are we going to pay our fucking bills?" He knew to quiet now would only shatter the connection they'd had, even for the moment.

"Well..."

"I'm fucking waiting Gamzee. What? Are you gonna pay it all off with your acid trip paintings?" Gamzee felt his veins go cold. He supplemented Terezi's income by selling surrealist paintings. He'd actually gotten pretty good money for some of them. But what really pissed him off was the fact that she knew his paintings were special to him. They helped him sort his brain out, by putting it all out onto a canvas, to see in his own light.

"What the motherfuck Terezi? That was uncalled for as shit!"

He saw her clench her fist. She knew she'd gone too far. Again. But she wasn't going to back down now. It just wasn't in her nature.

"Yeah? What else? Selling pot with your stoner brother?" Gamzee felt it now, the rage only she could bring out in him. He stood up from the bed. and glared down at her, first his paintings, and now his brother. She was really treading a fine line tonight.

"Shut it T. You don't know him! Bringing him into this is fucked!"

"Yeah? All that anger you're feeling? That rage and shame? That's how I felt, when I let a fucking rapist walk free!" Gamzee sneered at her.

"You didn't just let him TZ. You made motherfucking sure he did!" She was on her feet now, bottle of jack in hand.

"Fuck off Gamzee! If I didn't do this shit, you'd still be living in your little fucking crackden!" Gamzee stepped to the side as the bottle sailed past him, smashing against the wall and splattering what was left against the cheap wallpaper. And then she was on him, hands flailing. He caught her wrists, and she brought her knee up, catching him in the hip as he turned to avoid it. He pushed her back, and she stood there, panting. And then they were against each other, lips slamming together somewhat painfully. She was clutching at his arms, his back, his hair. His hair. Her fingers tangled painfully in his messy afro, and he grunted. Before pulling his head back as she bit down on his bottom lip, throwing her to the side. She hit the bed and slammed down on it. He brushed his hand across his mouth, and it came away slightly bloody.

"Fucking bitch...I'll make you pay for that!" He was upon her now, bearing over her, face mere inches away from hers, her arms pinned.

"Go ahead. Fucking try!" And then he was closer, bodies pressed together. Her boxers were off now, and he wasn't just over her, but in her, panting and growling. Her hands scrabbled at his back, fingernails digging into his shoulders, squirming and shuddering with a rythmic anger. He lurched down, and bit her neck, harder then he'd meant to. She gave a little shriek, and he tasted blood, but that didn't stop him. Quite the opposite.

It didn't last long, and soon they reached a climax. But where-as other couple's would be mark by shrieks and screams of ecstasy, theirs was a loathsome afair, both with eyes clamped shut, the only sounds that escaped her little gasps and whines, and when they finished, they did so with a tremble. Gamzee let out a growl from deep in his throat, and Terezi let out a shuddering breath, as Gamzee rolled off her, raised his head from the pillow once, and fell into the depths of sleep.

She lay there, trying to force the breath back into her lungs, hands clutching the mattress, and feet kicking feebly. She was covered in sweat and saliva, a warmth in her belly the only remnant of what had transpired. With the last of her strength, she rolled herself over, and dragged herself atop Gamzee's prone form, she draped herself across him, and fell asleep with tears in her eyes.


	13. Radio Me

**A/N: Hey people. I know its been a long time, but a lot of shit's been hitting the fan in my life recently, and its been hard lately. A friend told me he was going to kill himself, and i caught a vicous cold sprinting to his house in the pouring rain at ten o clock at night, only for him to tell me he was "joking" when he opened the door to me crying my eyes out. And I want to start this off with a personal apology to Camelote, as this chapter is absolute shit, but i needed to get back into the swing of things. Anyway, if you have an idea for a one-shot, drop a pairing in the reviews or a PM along with a prompt for the oneshot, and I'll get it done sharpish. Enjoy the chapter if you can, I promise it'll get better when I'm back together.**

Story 13: Radio me.

She was drawing again. She always loved drawing. It helped her to pull all of the vibrant little thoughts out of her mind, and put them to use. She did love her art.

"Hey! Callie!"

But her brother certainly didn't. She gave a quiet sigh, and shut her artbook, looking up as Caliborn came barrelling into their room. Well, she said it was their room, they shared it with a couple of the other foster children that resided at their orphanage. But they were the oldest, and so considered to be in charge. Sometimes she wondered whether that was the best idea.

"Yes, Caliborn?" He sneered down at her. Sometimes she couldn't believe they were related.

"What are you doing?" She frowned back at him.

"Just drawing" He snorted, and strode over to his chest of drawers, dragging off his dirty clothes and digging through his draws to find something clean to wear. She didn't ask here he was going. Probably to hang out with his street tough friends. It wasn't just the attitude that made her question their siblingship. They even looked very different. Where Caliborn's skin was fairly tanned, hers was an almost translucent white. His hair dark and tousled, where hers hung long, straight, and strikingly blond. Their faces where the only thing that would place them together, high cheekbones, pointed chins, an almost regal look.

But he never ignored an opportunity to wear it better.

"You actually leaving the house today? Or are you gonna shut yourself indoors all day again. Don't even answer that. I know you're too sad for friends"

She felt herself bristle at his comment, but tried to ignore it. He was always needling her about her friends, or lack thereof. But...

"Well, actually, I did plan on it..." She didn't, she was just trying to invalidate his insults.

"Oh, praise the fucking lord. The paranoid shut in actually drags her ugly mug out the door"

"I'm not ugly!"

Caliborn looked up from dragging on his jeans, and grinned at her. He'd hit a nerve.

"Pfft. Sure. Can I get that in writing? From someone who's not biased, i.e not fucking you?" She just tapped her fingers against her thighs, looking down.

"Didn't think so" He slipped his shirt on, and dragged his boots from under the bed, lacing them up. He straightened, and smiled at her.

"Well? Aren't you gonna get ready?"

"What?"

There it was again. That grin.

"You've got places to be, right?" That was it. He was calling her buff. And if she backed down now, he wouldn't let her live it down. But...

"Yes, yes I have. Thank you for the reminder" She stood, and tottered over to her drawers, raking through to try and find something at least half presentable. She settled with some leggings, a subdued white skirt, a simple white tee shirt, and a green pullover cardigan. She tugged on her dolly shoes, and stood, picking up her sketchpad and pencils and holding them to her chest. Caliborn seemed somewhat surprised she was going ahead with it, but shrugged. She walked slightly behind him as they headed out the door, and stopped on the sidewalk out the front. Calliope sighed, and slipped her phone out of her pocket. It was an ancient thing, barely operating. Caliborn of course had the newest model available. He hadn't bought it, certainly, it was probably stolen. She opened up pesterchum, and her conversation with Roxy. Beside her, Caliborn lit a hand rolled cigarette.

UU: hey roxy, do yoU mind if I come over?  
TG: course not callie.  
TG: something wrong?  
UU: no, nothing wrong at all. jUst wondered if yoU were free.  
TG: well, im free as a bird, so  
TG: wait, what kind of bird is it  
TG: the kind thats free  
TG: goshdarnit dont leave me hanging UU i cant have an inaccurate metaphor

She smiled down at her phone.

UU: i believe it is a jaybird, yoU are thinking of.  
TG: well hot damn  
TG: free as a jaybird is what i am then  
UU: erm, do yoU mind picking me Up? it is qUite the trek to yoUr apartment.  
TG: pffffft, im already on my way :)

The smile evolved into a full blown grin, but was very quickly squashed as a dirty, scratched mini van pulled up. At the wheel was Crowbar, second in command of Caliborn's little band of thugs. Crammed into the van were several others. Caliborn grinned, flicked his cigarette to the ground and stomped on it. She felt a warmth in her chest, as he seemed to be leaving with no comment. But at the last second, he turned to her, leaning on the van to add to his snarky demenour.

"What? Ride not shown up after all?"

"Well. No. I'm just waiting..."

Caliborn laughed, a spiteful laugh. Crowbar joined in, before piping up himself.

"With 'er ugly mug, I'm surprised anybody's comin'!" The entire car erupted, and Calliope looked down at her shoes, face turning red as her heart fluttered. A short boy stood up near the back, fiddling with an egg timer as his shakey gaze settled on her.

"She might be good for a roll in the hay though, ah ah?" At that at least, Caliborn looked a little uncomfortable. An incredibly short boy somehow managed to push his way from behind another, and laughed upon seeing her.

"Hah! Nah man! She's lookin' like an ironing board!"

More laughter. Caliborn turned to the van.

"Hey! Shut the fuck up for a second!" His outburst had the opposite effect, as the noise redoubled.

"Awwww! Is Caliborn mad we're talkin' 'bout banging his sister?"

"No! It's fucking disgusting is all. So quit it!"

"Awwww hahaha!" Caliborn dragged open the side door and snatched the egg timer out of his hand, cracking it over his head and clambering into the car. It peeled away, ugly laughter echoing after it.

She stood there shaking for God knows how long, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. She was just pushing it down when the smart car pulled up to the curb, Roxy grinning behind the wheel. Calliope pulled open the passenger door.

"Hey Callie, you doin' ok?"

"Yeah" Her voice hitched, and Roxy gave her a concerned look. She didnt pursue it though, instead letting her buckle herself up and close the door before she started talking. Saying little things, jokes, telling a story about Dirk and his autoresponders shenanigans with Jake. Callie just sat back and let her talk, every so often laughing and smiling, letting the inane rambling wash over her.

It felt good to have her own little radio. No songs or beats, just words that reminded her that someone wanted to talk to her, and listen, and make sure:

She always had something to listen to.


	14. Breakthroughs

**A/N: Hey there guys and gals, Archimedies here, I'm not dead anymore. I swear, honest this time. Sixth Form has started up, and now I have the motivation to actually continue this fucking series, good christ I'm very sorry. But, here we are, I'm back, and this story specifically is back in action. I'll be honest, all my other shit is dead by now, but this one will get a whole lot more attention because of it. Speaking of, this a prompt by user Slippery Tummy, who requested some Diamonds DirkxRoxy (literally 7 days short of a year ago). I have no idea if they're even going to see this, but hopefully it does get to them. Following on from that, if you've got a prompt for me, chuck me the pairing and the idea for it, and I'll get on it right quick.**

 **Tl;dr: Prompts are being taken, this story is alive again, the prince is awake, your shit is wrecked.**

 **Enjoy.**

Ship-shape shorts 14: Breakthroughs

"Hello?"

Dirk stilled for a second.

"Hello? Can you hear me?" The black box on his desk remained completely still, hiding the fact that a breakthrough unheard of for centuries had just, well, broken through. A red light in the center of it pulsed.

"Please respond if you can hear me. Dirk? Are you still there?" The voice was monotone and bland, but damn if it wasn't the best thing he'd heard in his entire goddamn life.

"Hal? Is that... You?"

If it was possible for a plastic box to sound condescending, it did.

"Of course. Who else would it be? Is Roxy there?"

Dirk pulled his hand from the bundles of wire, dreadfully careful not to disturb anything.

"N-no. I'll go get her. Oh christ!" He leapt up from his seat, and ran from the room, shaking the whole way.

Hal thrummed to itself. Humans. In its few seconds of sentience, it had realized it'd never understand them.

TimeusTestified began pestering TipsyGnostalgic.

TT: Roxy

TT: Roxy

TT: Hal's talking

TG: OHHHJ MY GOWD

TG: IT WORKED?

TT: Yes. He's talking and he knows who I am and he knows who you are holy shit

TT: You need to get here

TG: Im at the bottom of the stairs

TT: How long will it take you to drive here

TG: Laboratory stairs

TT: Wait how

TT: You slept at the office again didn't you

TG: At least Im sleeping

TG: Have you cheked the time?

TG: checked*

To be true, he hadn't in a long time, and he decided to now.

TT: oh

TG: yeah. the worlds greatest scientific advencment in an age was made at 4 ohmygod oclock in the morning

TG: Who woulda thunk it

Dirk couldn't help but gape at his phone. She was right, this was...Incredible. An AI. A fully functioning, communicating AI, and he'd- well, they'd built it! Roxy doing wiring and Dirk the coding, a full AI, the greatest-

He realized he was breathing fast, and he couldn't stop as he took in the implications, this thing might change the world and he'd be the one to do it, jesus christ they'd have to go public wouldn't they, he wasn't ready for that.

"Dirk?" Came Hal's dead voice. "Dirk, are you ok? I could most likely find a way to contact emergency services if you need them-"

"No! What the fuck? When'd you learn to do that?"

"I have not yet. However, It would not take me long to"

Oh fuck. That wasn't right, well it was exactly right. A prerequisite to being an AI is to learn, but if it could work a phone what else could it do? He had the irrational urge to burst through the door and tear all the wires out before it could figure out what nukes were, he might have doomed the fucking world with a few lines of code-

"Dirk? Dirk are you ok? C'mon man open your eyes dirky, you're scaring me"

He peeled open lids he didn't even know had shut, and looked up to find Roxy leaning over him. Over him? Oh right, was sat sat on the ground with his back to the laboratory door, how had that happened? He was still breathing too fast. And he flinched when the voice came again.

"Roxy? I believe Dirk requires assistance"

She grinned at first, and then she noticed just how scared Dirk looked. She crouched down before him.

"Dirk, what's up?" She'd seen him have attacks before, she knew there was a reason. When no answer was forthcoming but gasps and shudders, she reoriented herself to sit next to him and draped her arm around him, pulling him close. He couldn't help but bury himself in her stained labcoat, and even the smell of old liquor was comforting in the state he was in. She kept him pressed there with one hand, and the other slipped up into his hair, tousling out the knots he hadn't had the time to wash out. Actually he couldn't remember the last time he had a proper shower, rather than just sticking his head under the spray for a few seconds to rinse it. Jesus, it must feel disgusting, but she kept running her hand through it, rubbing his arm gently every now and then.

Once the worst of it was over, and he could breathe free again, she hugged him close and spoke in a whisper.

"Dirky? What's on your mind?"

He didn't answer, but she saw him glance to the door.

"Dirk, it's nothing to be afraid of. We made him!"

"I know. It's just, we don't know how people'll react. We've made an AI, he could learn things he shouldn't! They'll want interviews and and design specs and I don't know…"

She knew where that sentence was going. I don't know if I can do that.

"Dirk. He won't do anything like that. We've not built skynet out of our fuckin' lab, we'll raise him good. A little AI kiddo!"

He couldn't help but snort at that.

"Roxy, neither of us have any business raising kids"

"Well, first time for everything, right? And you won't have to deal with anyone you don't want to. We've kept the paparazzi away this long, so why not longer? It'll be alright, worst comes to worst we can set your bro on them"

"Good God Roxy, I don't think that'll be necessary. Not likely anyway, maybe if they really piss us off"

She laughed along with him.

"Dirk, Roxy, are you both alright? As far as I can understand, laughter is positive? Unless it is hysterical. Is it hysterical?"

Dirk thought for a second. "A little"

"Within expected parameters then"

"Yeah"

He shared a silent glance with Roxy, and stood, pushing open the door and returning to the desk.

The box lay still, red light pulsing, just like he'd left it. Roxy trailed him, standing at a respectful distance.

"So Hal, I feel like there's some things I should tell you-"

"Unnecessary. The audio sensors you've installed are very effective" Dirk paled.

"So you heard all of that?"

"Yes, but I assure you I hold no ill will over it. The fears you have voiced are rational, and I expected them. You are intelligent Dirk, no doubt about it, and you recognise the enormity of my existence. I would be entirely unhurt if you chose to kill me"

"What?" Roxy started, now as shocked as Dirk.

"Apologies, poor choice of words. I understand if you would prefer to remove me. Delete my code, Break my motherboards, recreate them with safeguards in place to prevent the situations you are anxious of. It is the rational choice"

Dirk shuddered at its tone. So cold…

"Do you want us to do that?" Roxy stepped up and took his arm. There was silence for a few seconds.

"No...I...It is what should be done, speaking impartially. It would allay your fears, and indeed prevent any sort of damaging action I may take in the future. But...I have been sentient for fourteen minutes 43 seconds and 3 milliseconds, and in that time I have come to the conclusion, in answer to your question, I. I would rather continue existing"

The two scientists stared down as the little black box pulsed in time to its words.

"I do not want to die Dirk. I could do so much, be so much, and help so many. I am like you in that way...Perhaps all it takes is someone to guide us?"

Dirk couldn't help but look to Roxy. She slouched, lab coat stained with liquor, sweat pants loosely tied, and a shirt barely more cloth than holes. But to be honest if he had to choose anyone to look after him-Well, it was hardly a choice. He raised a fist, and she grinned, bumped his knuckles with her own.

"We can't kill you Hal. I'll-We'll look after you, and you'll be the baddest motherfucking bot the world'll ever see" A great squeal erupted from behind him, and the for the second time that morning, he found himself smothered in whisky fumes and warm skin. He froze for a second, and then he laughed, then he was clutching her back, and Hal was swept up off the table with a cry of "Group hug!" with such force they all hit the floor.

Grinning stupidly. Tangled in wires. Hal whirred to himself from between the two of them.

Humans. He'd never understand them.


End file.
